Chics Dig Scars... Right?

I've written about Sheridan's heart previously.

And... it happened.

Sheridan's cardiologist is recommending surgery. Of the open-heart variety.

This sucks.

I knew this day would likely come... I was actually pretty okay with the news in the examination room. I know all the reasons why this is the right move. Why this is necessary. How it will help Sheridan. It's all about doing what is best for him in the long run.

But then I look at him.

And I get teary.

I know the surgeons are skilled. That's not the issue.

I know the procedure is wildly successful and very common. That's not the issue.

I know Sheridan will reap heaps of benefit from the surgery. That's not the issue either.

It's his heart, you know? His heart.

And somebody is going to take my baby out of my arms. Cut him open. Stop his heart.

And they'll repair it. In an instant he'll be fixed... and then the healing begins. Lots of healing.

I know Sheridan is strong, healthy, resilient. He's such a hard worker. I never doubt his ability. I never doubt his strength. He amazes me every day.

So what the heck am I so sad about? Sometimes I get frustrated that this scares me.

Perhaps it's that from the moment he is taken from my arms, I'm no longer the one in control (um, yeah, control freak much?). I don't want anybody doing anything to him. But they're not doing anything to him... they are helping him. In a way, helping us save his life down the road by preventing long-term issues that could have profound and devastating effects when he's older.

I know I'm definitely scared of the risk of infection. That's the hardest sentence to write out loud... like even saying it is bad luck. Ugh. I don't like this paragraph so I'm moving on...

And the scar... I just love his perfect little chest. But it will still be perfect.

And I've seen first hand how Gabby came through the same surgery like a TROOPER. Seriously. That girl never lost her fire or spunk. 

Bottom line, although Sheridan's defects are small, they are not making the progress one would expect to see if they are going to close on their own. We could certainly wait another year/year-and-a-half, but it is highly unlikely the extra time will make a difference for the VSD (the others rarely, RARELY close on their own). We've always walked the tightrope of waiting to see what happens (just monitoring it like we have been and hoping the holes close), but also recognized that at some point we risk long-term health consequences. At what point do we say, "Ok, we're now at the point where waiting brings diminishing returns and might result in negative consequences down the line"?

Well, we've reached that point.

On average, the rule of thumb is that if these holes haven't closed by 3 years old, surgery is the answer. We could certainly wait until he's 3, but given there is little improvement (and certainly not what would be expected if the holes were to close on their own) - meaning chances are slim they would close on their own - it's better to close the holes sooner rather than later. Also, I don't want to wait until Sheridan is 3 going into preschool. He'd have to miss 2-3 months likely, and although that wouldn't impact most typically-developing children, that's HUGE for Sheridan. I don't want it to impact his transition to preschool and learning with/from all of his peers.

Right now, we have no timeline. The cardiologist (whom I ADORE by the way - okay, I'll admit he's also very good looking so that doesn't hurt) is bringing Sheridan's case to the surgical team for review. He'll present Sheridan's case this week or next and get back to me in the next couple weeks with the result.

All in all, I'm really okay with it. I am. Truly. My head is totally in the game. It's just taking me a while to feel okay with it.

Besides... some chics really dig guys with scars, right?